The Pain behind the Smiles

I read a blog yesterday that had me relive one of the HARDEST times in my life thus far. For the past 5 years I wondered if anyone has ever felt the pain I did after having a miscarriage. And not just that pain of losing the baby, but the PAIN I endured ever.single.time I found out I was pregnant AGAIN.

I have talked about it with some, but I have an ENTIRE journal dedicated to that time in my life where I have literally screamed, cried & probably threw that journal across the room. 

It's a common problem, but for someone to TRULY understand that feeling- you must of had to walk in the shoes of a woman who has miscarried. 

It's been 4 years since we lost our first baby. 

I remember it like it was YESTERDAY. About 3 years after we were married, I was going in to get my wisdom teeth taken out. The Dr. told me that the antibiotic would counteract my birth control, so I need to make sure we are "careful". 

Matt and I had talked about having a family WAY before we were even married, so without even thinking twice about it, I thought let's just stop birth control altogether, and go ahead and start trying to have that family we have ALWAYS dreamed about.

Every month we waited to see a POSITIVE pregnancy test-- & each month felt like 100 years. Some of y'all might know what I'm talking about. And then to be disappointed every time it was negative just made the desire to be a mom more and more magnified.  

When I saw that positive sign come up, almost 2 years later, I might have screamed. I know that I BALLED. And I RAN into the bedroom and woke Matt up. We cried together and IMMEDIATELY thanked God for this blessing he had given us to be parents. 

We couldn't hold it in though. We told our family, our best friends and then the world. 

But everything changed a few short weeks later. 

I was at work one day when I started cramping pretty bad. I had cramped all along, but these cramps were familiar, and made me very nervous. 

As I walked into the bathroom I remember praying and asking God for everything to be ok.... but it wasn't. I tried really hard to get myself together, but I couldn't. I called Matt and a few minutes later we were on our way to the Dr. 

As they did the ultrasound, I had really no idea what they were looking at. I obviously saw there was a placenta, but the nurse kept pushing these buttons that made these colors show up on the screen. She didn't talk for a while, which made me think something was wrong. 

She looked at us and told us that the colors we saw on the screen was blood flowing, but there was no blood going to the placenta, which meant there was no heartbeat there. 

I felt like I had just died. 

I can't tell you much about what happened after that other than Matt just held me. He was so strong for me that day- but the hardest part was I knew he was not ok.  

We found out before we left that I needed to have surgery to remove everything. We drove home practically in silence. 

When we got home, Matt asked if I was ok, and asked if he could go back to the room for a little bit. A few minutes later I heard him sobbing. He had been strong for me- but now he needed to mourn.

The most beautiful thing that came out of that day was the song "Lullaby" that Matt wrote just trying to get his feelings out somehow. (You can find it on iTunes if you search for Matt Laughter- Glorify.) Share it with someone if you know it could help. 

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We ended up having 2 more miscarriages back to back after that one. 

And then nothing for a long time....

Then one day, I was 5 days late. 

I took another test for what felt like the bazillionth time, and before I opened my eyes I prayed over and over and over again.... God, if you are going to allow me to be pregnant, will you PLEASE allow me to keep this baby? And if you decide to take this baby away from me, will you PLEASE restore my joy in knowing this is the path that you have Matt and I on?  

Psalm 51:12 came to mind that day. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Losing 3 babies was difficult, but seeing a positive pregnancy test again was surprisingly much harder that day.

I had become SCARED out of my mind. 

Pregnancy should be a time of EXCITEMENT and JOY for what the future holds. For me, it was a daily reminder that there is nothing about this pregnancy that is in my control. 

I dreaded EVERY single Dr's visit.

I dreaded every single time I went to the bathroom.

I dreaded lifting anything that weighed more than a sheet of paper.

I dreaded having my heart beat raise just a little higher from climbing stairs. 

It was a very lonely time for me. 

People would ask "OH, when are y'all trying again", which that question never bothered me, but the FEAR of having to UN-tell them again is what made me sick to my stomach. 

And the one thing I can relate to most with the girl from the blog, is that I just LONGED for morning sickness.  I knew if I was sick then everything was "normal". When I told people I was nauseous they would say, "well, that's a good thing!" And to me, that would solidify that things were going like they should. 

But the second I stopped feeling nauseous, my mind started to remind me on how much I have no control over what is going on inside of me. 

It was a vicious cycle that took the joy out of the act of being pregnant. I was jealous of all my friends getting pregnant, throwing parties with not a care in the world, and here I was, afraid to move the wrong way for the mere fact that I may do something to cause me to lose the baby-- it was a heavy burden to bare. And it continued for 9 months. 

I am so beyond BLESSED that God's plan for Matt and I was to be parents to 2 very HEALTHY, beautiful, baby boys after those 3 miscarriages...

But it doesn't help the fact that I relive those days all over again when I hear of a friend's miscarriage. 

And there are STILL so many people who are just dying to be parents and still haven't had their miracle happen yet. I grieve with you. 

I'm so thankful for the people I had in my life who had been there to walk with us down that long road. I pray that I can do that and more to anyone who is going through that now, and know that you are NOT alone in this very long, scary, sometimes lonely journey.