The Pain behind the Smiles

I read a blog yesterday that had me relive one of the HARDEST times in my life thus far. For the past 5 years I wondered if anyone has ever felt the pain I did after having a miscarriage. And not just that pain of losing the baby, but the PAIN I endured ever.single.time I found out I was pregnant AGAIN.

I have talked about it with some, but I have an ENTIRE journal dedicated to that time in my life where I have literally screamed, cried & probably threw that journal across the room. 

It's a common problem, but for someone to TRULY understand that feeling- you must of had to walk in the shoes of a woman who has miscarried. 

It's been 4 years since we lost our first baby. 

I remember it like it was YESTERDAY. About 3 years after we were married, I was going in to get my wisdom teeth taken out. The Dr. told me that the antibiotic would counteract my birth control, so I need to make sure we are "careful". 

Matt and I had talked about having a family WAY before we were even married, so without even thinking twice about it, I thought let's just stop birth control altogether, and go ahead and start trying to have that family we have ALWAYS dreamed about.

Every month we waited to see a POSITIVE pregnancy test-- & each month felt like 100 years. Some of y'all might know what I'm talking about. And then to be disappointed every time it was negative just made the desire to be a mom more and more magnified.  

When I saw that positive sign come up, almost 2 years later, I might have screamed. I know that I BALLED. And I RAN into the bedroom and woke Matt up. We cried together and IMMEDIATELY thanked God for this blessing he had given us to be parents. 

We couldn't hold it in though. We told our family, our best friends and then the world. 

But everything changed a few short weeks later. 

I was at work one day when I started cramping pretty bad. I had cramped all along, but these cramps were familiar, and made me very nervous. 

As I walked into the bathroom I remember praying and asking God for everything to be ok.... but it wasn't. I tried really hard to get myself together, but I couldn't. I called Matt and a few minutes later we were on our way to the Dr. 

As they did the ultrasound, I had really no idea what they were looking at. I obviously saw there was a placenta, but the nurse kept pushing these buttons that made these colors show up on the screen. She didn't talk for a while, which made me think something was wrong. 

She looked at us and told us that the colors we saw on the screen was blood flowing, but there was no blood going to the placenta, which meant there was no heartbeat there. 

I felt like I had just died. 

I can't tell you much about what happened after that other than Matt just held me. He was so strong for me that day- but the hardest part was I knew he was not ok.  

We found out before we left that I needed to have surgery to remove everything. We drove home practically in silence. 

When we got home, Matt asked if I was ok, and asked if he could go back to the room for a little bit. A few minutes later I heard him sobbing. He had been strong for me- but now he needed to mourn.

The most beautiful thing that came out of that day was the song "Lullaby" that Matt wrote just trying to get his feelings out somehow. (You can find it on iTunes if you search for Matt Laughter- Glorify.) Share it with someone if you know it could help. 

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We ended up having 2 more miscarriages back to back after that one. 

And then nothing for a long time....

Then one day, I was 5 days late. 

I took another test for what felt like the bazillionth time, and before I opened my eyes I prayed over and over and over again.... God, if you are going to allow me to be pregnant, will you PLEASE allow me to keep this baby? And if you decide to take this baby away from me, will you PLEASE restore my joy in knowing this is the path that you have Matt and I on?  

Psalm 51:12 came to mind that day. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Losing 3 babies was difficult, but seeing a positive pregnancy test again was surprisingly much harder that day.

I had become SCARED out of my mind. 

Pregnancy should be a time of EXCITEMENT and JOY for what the future holds. For me, it was a daily reminder that there is nothing about this pregnancy that is in my control. 

I dreaded EVERY single Dr's visit.

I dreaded every single time I went to the bathroom.

I dreaded lifting anything that weighed more than a sheet of paper.

I dreaded having my heart beat raise just a little higher from climbing stairs. 

It was a very lonely time for me. 

People would ask "OH, when are y'all trying again", which that question never bothered me, but the FEAR of having to UN-tell them again is what made me sick to my stomach. 

And the one thing I can relate to most with the girl from the blog, is that I just LONGED for morning sickness.  I knew if I was sick then everything was "normal". When I told people I was nauseous they would say, "well, that's a good thing!" And to me, that would solidify that things were going like they should. 

But the second I stopped feeling nauseous, my mind started to remind me on how much I have no control over what is going on inside of me. 

It was a vicious cycle that took the joy out of the act of being pregnant. I was jealous of all my friends getting pregnant, throwing parties with not a care in the world, and here I was, afraid to move the wrong way for the mere fact that I may do something to cause me to lose the baby-- it was a heavy burden to bare. And it continued for 9 months. 

I am so beyond BLESSED that God's plan for Matt and I was to be parents to 2 very HEALTHY, beautiful, baby boys after those 3 miscarriages...

But it doesn't help the fact that I relive those days all over again when I hear of a friend's miscarriage. 

And there are STILL so many people who are just dying to be parents and still haven't had their miracle happen yet. I grieve with you. 

I'm so thankful for the people I had in my life who had been there to walk with us down that long road. I pray that I can do that and more to anyone who is going through that now, and know that you are NOT alone in this very long, scary, sometimes lonely journey. 

What to eat BEFORE & AFTER a workout

I remember the day I tried out for college cheerleading like it was yesterday. Even though I had cheered 12 years prior to that, there is nothing like standing in front of a bunch of people being judged on how well you can act SUPER happy (even though you want to crawl in a hole) or how well you can do a standing tuck.

In all-star cheerleading, all we had to do was learn a few 8 counts of a dance, show how great our toe-touch was, and ran a few passes of tumbling. But college cheer was much different. 

It was an all day event, and little did I know that at the END of tryouts, after we were good and EXHAUSTED from stunting and tumbling all day, we had to run a timed mile. 

So...a mile. No big deal. I've ran a few miles before... I can do this. So, right before we were about to hit the pavement I ran to my bag, grabbed my lunchbox full of fruit and downed a few handfuls. I was getting hungry so I thought, fruit will be perfect for my little run across campus. 

The mile went great. Felt good to have one of the fastest times among the girls and I felt like I ended tryouts with a bang. 

About 30 minutes later my stomach started KILLING me. And not just oh, I need to go to the bathroom real quick, but the worst cramping I had ever had in my life. One that I thought, I wonder if someone realizes I've been in the bathroom for over 30 minutes. It just wouldn't stop. 

Well, fast forward a few years, I kept getting stomach cramps after I would do a lot of intense workouts. I kept trying to figure out what was causing it because sometimes I never got them and then sometimes I did. It was the craziest thing!! 

So then I was determined to figure out WHAT in the world was causing them. I started changing up what I was eating before and after workouts... and IMMEDIATELY it changed things for me. 

Before an intense workout, I would eat a TON of fruit. I thought, fruit is healthy and great for you! It shouldn't be a problem! But then I started researching what you should and shouldn't eat before and after workouts and it totally made sense to me. 

I was eating the wrong thing before I worked out. dun dun dun

Timing is Everything. 

If you eat a large meal before you workout, most likely, you can feel very sluggish or have cramping. That is true. Your body CAN digest food while it is being active----> but not AS well. The blood in your body now has 2 jobs to do. Both jobs will get done, but you will probably have side effects from it. 

On the other hand, if you don't eat before a workout, most likely you will feel lightheaded and dizzy because of low blood sugar!

So what do you do? And what was wrong with me? 

You have to find balance, but here are some tips that have worked for me. (FINALLY)

1. The RIGHT Carbs are NEEDED before a workout. This is what happened to me... I grabbed a carb HIGH in fiber and therefore caused me MAJOR cramping and a long time in the bathroom. (TMI, I know.) SKIP bran cereals, beans, lintels, and fruit BEFORE a workout. You might have an episode like I did which is SO not cool when you are hitting the gym with friends. 

2. Eat a full breakfast. This is only if you will be working out 3-4 hours later. If you will be working out right away, eat something smaller and give yourself some time before you jump in. If you don't like eating before a workout, drink your carbs with gatorade or fruit juice just so you keep your electrolytes balanced and keep your energy up.   

3. Don't skip meals. It will almost guarantee yourself that your workout will end with you feeling like your gonna pass out. If you feel that way- you need QUICK sugar in your body. Grab fruit, some juice, or a gatorade to get sugar in your system quick. 

4. Drink a ton of water. I keep a gallon jug with me almost all the time. If I haven't drank it all by the end of the day, I definitely didn't drink enough. 

5. Don't grab a candy bar for a fast treat. Try and keep something like this on hand all the time...

low fat or fat free yogurt

low fat granola bars

fruit or gatorade

low fat cereal 

bagels, rice cakes, graham crackers

fig bars, vanilla wafers, animal crackers

6. Listen to your body and learn from experience. Ive been doing this for a long time, and with trial and error I've learned a few things. But everyone has their own story. Figure out what yours is and continue to KILL IT! :) 

Share with someone who needs this!